Had to go grocery shopping yesterday and I realized all at once why I don't leave the apartment earlier than 11 pm anymore
Oh my God I could hear everyone's thoughts
And feel everyone looking at me
People's faces would like shift across to the back of their head
And hearing everyone's thoughts was chaos because the market we go to is also where a lot of the Latinx folks in town go so it was half English and half Spanish, sometimes changing out in the middle of words
I've also been seeing faces watching me more often generally
Also been unintentionally forced to think about my parents recently which makes me remember torture and that's always great and awesome for my mental well-being
Also nightmares Yots had
I just
Things are bad
Things are real bad
Things have been real bad for months
Realizing it's been five years since I ran away from home on the 7th and everything my mother said about me was true
Nobody will hire me, I can't work anyway, I'm back to being a house servant and depending on others for things I want/need
At least I'm not being treated like a feral animal anymore, but at the expense of being a feral animal now
idk
There's like
Two futures I want
And they can't coexist
There's the future where my wife finds a dev job in Seattle and we find a cute house together and live life together at last
And there's the future where I'm operating radios or running trainings for rev activities or hunkered down in some camp in north of Mt St Helens preparing to strike a militia camp in the morning
One future I want because it brings about the world where I finally know peace
The other future I want because it brings about a world that can continue to exist
I'm just tired
Of this form
It feels like the end
But also the beginning of something beautiful that should be happening but isn't
I'm supposed to metamorphose into the Deer
The Grand and Final Deer
My brain feels like a fruiting body
About to blow spores all over the place as my head turns into a mass of antlerish fungi
I keep feeling like I should be changing but I'm not
I'm something I'm not
I'm not supposed to be in this body
My brain is incompatible with it
Seeing Madoka art of the witches set this off I think
Plus our very weird feelings around Mutazione that we've purposefully avoided since playing the game
The game has a deer in it, that's a spirit guide of sorts
And a very powerful fungus that is in symbiosis with the tree the island is centered around and keeps the ecosystem alive
My least favorite creation on Earth, next to Robert Oppenheimer
I hate mushrooms and they like the witches terrify me
But it's also where I feel most home
Capable of thought and communication
I don't like sentient-but-not-sapient life
I speak Yiddish because it's a language of exile and resistance and persistence in the face of actual pogroms and not "moooooooom, the brown people are mad at me for shooting their children againnnnn :( "
I refuse to let Zionists reconstruct history as the Jewish people being this cowardly, meek race scattered across Europe, Asia, and Africa that were only Saved by the grace of the State of Israel, it's creepily Christian and I'm not about that
Yeah I have a big rack (clocks you with my antlers)
I got four hours of sleep and feel like shit physically from the caffeine being worked through my body BUT I'm doing so well emotionally because of a Special Certain Someone that i feel weirdly high
And it's the good kind of high, not like the last time I did weed and ended up having an episode
Amazing I still talk to my mother after she did things to me that are probably considered torture and inhumane treatment for most of the 21 years I lived with our parents
The woman who is the reason I can't feel cold water on my skin, can't shower without a bathroom door lock, can't be restrained without having a panic attack, and have several eating disorders layered on top of each other: "hey sweetie we miss you :)"
The things my parents did to me were so bad kids in middle school were telling us to run away
Name a better duo than people who post KiwiFarms links as "evidence" and "proship DNI"
Every fucking time
"We're totally radical queer leftists and immune to reactionary propaganda!" [posts Reaganite moralistic fearmongering]
Like I cannot emphasize enough that my hatred of antis is because antis make me feel exponentially more unsafe to be who I am
It's never "just about fiction". Just like it was never about "ethics in video game journalism".
I should really, really go back on HRT soon, if I can get a steady flow of it for longer than six weeks before there's some hiccup that derails me
I've been out since August 26, 2017 and I have been on HRT for a total of 3 times over about 8 months since January of 2020
I've said so much questionable shit that's really just me being schizo as shit